In this moment here I stand.
No airbrushing, no special lighting and no clothes to cover me as a whole .
My mind instantly started to race and suddenly I could hear these voices for the first time. As if I was hearing someone else's words saying, "you are beautiful just the way you are."
If I am being completely honest when the camera started to flash I began to question what if I post these? I could be setting myself up to be criticised? Then followed by "but people will see all that I am." In this moment I am spiraling in shame and have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin.
"You are beautiful just the way you are."
So simple to whisper to others but why is it so fucken hard to tell myself.
If I really look back I can see how I can embrace others yet have forgotten to embrace myself, why? I have punished my body for as long as I can remember whether it's through restricting my food, living a life in addiction or just simply by my thoughts and the way I talk to myself.
Everyday I see other influences like goddesses fully devoted to their bodies, snapshots of their curves and they seem so free. I always wonder what the feeling of freedom from insecurities felt like if there was such an occurrence. Would it be an awaking, would it be permanent or just a glimmer or all of the above?
The relationship with my body has been fractured in piece's for as long as I can remember. Like tiny shards of glitter just scattered patiently waiting to be picked up when the time came and then I would shine.
Today was that day.
At first I held on to myself afraid of letting go but slowly as I started to relax. I began to trace my body with my fingertips, I was instantly flooded with memories of all my scars and marks.
As I looked down I felt the depth of my stretch marks I realised they are as deep as the love for all five of my children and run as long as the hours I spent manifesting power like no other. I pinched the skin from my belly and smiled. It hurts but I am delighted that I can feel.
Just for this moment I'm in complete awe of everything she has not only carried me through but all that this body has endured.
I've given up on her many of times yet she continues to fill my lungs with air, forever pumping my heart to love. She has been the victim many of times yet her biggest abuser has been me. She is not the enemy here even though I have treated her as if she were. The enemy is my mind forever flooding me with voices that I will never be enough. Enough for what exactly?
She is the reason I survived and without her I wouldn't have all that I have today...life.
People may leave me but when she leaves, I leave too and after 31 years of it being just you and I. Today I whisper, "you are beautiful just the way you are."
For the first time ever in my life I'm loving her, feeling her, embracing her and it's not at all what I thought it would feel like ....it's better.
Zowie-sky x
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