What is your story? Tell us about your story from the beginning to where you are now?
I grew up in a home where I felt I was unloved, there was alcohol, drugs and parties in my home, there was violence, some physical, a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. It was enforced in my self-worth that I was “nothing but a piece of shit” every day of my life and other harsh words and statements about who I am as a person. It was creating my identity then followed by actions developed confirmation within myself, giving me a false sense of worth and values of myself.
I wasn't shown love from my mother she wasn't emotionally available, my biological father left when I was a baby and I didn’t meet him until I was nearly 18 years old. My step father was abusive. I was sexually abused by numerous males throughout my childhood, teen years and early adult years. I was in co-dependent violent relationships because of my lack of self- worth. I had children very young my daughter at 17 years old and my son at 21 years old. I was made ward of the state at 15 years old, due to my mum having a nervous breakdown and moving to Canberra.
I was addicted to Drugs and Alcohol from around Age 12-27. I have experienced serious domestic violence with multiple ex partners, living with complex PTSD. I am a recovering addict (complete abstinence). I experienced 12 years of re-occurring homelessness. I committed drug related offending and spent two short periods on remand in 2017 at Dame Phyllis Frost Centre, Melbourne’s Maximum Security Prison for Women.
My children have been removed from my care and spent majority of their childhood out of my care they are also separated from each other, due to my inability to know how to raise my children. I had no role models, nobody that I could look up to, who could show me how to be a mother. Loving my children unconditionally and so deeply is a given. Though having awareness when I was completely broken inside from such a young age, trying to find my own way in life. I was not going to make the right decisions for my children when I didn’t know what to do myself. The best decision I made was to not have my children in my care during those periods and not fight against it. Allowing them the best childhood they could have, even if that meant I wouldn’t be their primary carer and be the person to raise them.
This is a brief summary of some of my life experiences. I look back on my past, I reflect daily and I see where I am today. I am 2 years and 9 Months into Recovery, learning to live a complete abstinent life and with the ongoing work on myself. I have developed tools, awareness and knowledge today that I had never known 27 years prior to getting clean. I am beginning my journey of recovery. I am now 30 years old and I’m on a journey of truly discovering who I am and moving forward in learning how to live in this new way of living.
What was the most challenging part about your journey? And what helped you get through?
The most challenging part of my journey is the ongoing consequences of my life and circumstances, such as not being able to raise my children and the ongoing challenges. As well as having a criminal record and moving forward officially in regards to all areas of my life. There are ongoing barriers and consequences to my past that are contributing to the struggle of completely moving forward. It’s all about time lapse and ongoing evidence of doing the right thing and commitment to my recovery.
What support systems helped you in your recovery?
Having a support network of self help programs offering the 12 steps way of living. Friendships with like minded people who understand me and provide love and support. Being apart of the Salvation Army. Being involved in a lived experience group of women, bringing purpose to my life experience. Learning to give back to others by sharing my experience and to work within a social justice context. I have also lived in a recovery house with women, as well as studying AOD and mental health and community services. Been given opportunities that provide meaning and purpose to my life and to myself. Earlier in my recovery I was given a lead tenant position within a rehabilitation and support housing setting for those in recovery. Accessing professional support, learning self-care and building a new life for myself. Commitment to self-development, self- awareness and self- love.
What advice would you give to someone who is starting their recovery journey?
It needs to begin starting with you, not for anyone else, except YOU first and foremost. Ensuring perseverance and committed. It will be difficult and painful though recovery is possible. Acknowledging it won’t be easy although it will get easier and get better. You can do this for you!!
Before and After
If you would like to share your story please email us at changetosurrender@gmail.com.
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