#mystorychangetosurrender - Sarah

What is your story? Tell us about your story from the beginning to where you are now?

My name Is Sarah and I am an addict. If you were to tell me 10 years ago that I would be a drug addict I would have laughed at you. I was a good student in high school, (a little rebellious but always had good grades), a responsible employee, a good daughter and sister who liked to go out and get drunk on weekends at house parties, and eventually go clubbing underage, but my mum trusted me so was given a lot of freedom.

When I finished school I decided I wanted to travel the world. I worked hard to save for my trip of a lifetime and eventually moved to London at the age of 19. Life was good filled with lots of clubbing and partying and a long with that came drugs. It was quite difficult to support myself financially overseas and I began to realise that the cost of living would be a lot cheaper if I ate less, and to be able to do that it seemed logical to take drugs of a morning which suppressed my appetite all day and since drugs were a lot cheaper than 3 standard meals a day, I was able to survive.

I remember returning to Australia and everyone commenting on how amazing and skinny I looked, little did they know I had drugs to thank for that. It was so validating and made me feel so good as I had never been called skinny before. I got straight back into full time work upon returning to Australia at 21 and straight back into taking ice daily along with GHB and benzos which would relax me after a days work being high and jittery on ice.

It was around this time that my life began to spiral out of control. I began overdosing on GHB daily which would either cause me to drop to the ground unconscious if I didn’t have enough ice in my system, or would make me go into a crazy blackout causing my body to jolt around like it was seizing, hurling abuse and fists at anyone who came close. I lost several jobs after failing to turn up to work on time and one for overdosing at work and hitting my boss. My family were starting to realize something was wrong and slowly they realized that drugs had taken over my life. I was no longer ambitious for anything in life. I lost the desire to save money and travel, I even began to sell my possessions after running out of money and I would live day by day trying to score drugs. I began stealing thousands from my family's bank accounts, even stealing my mums keycard from her purse which she slept with under her pillow to hide from me of a night.

I was so out of control but did not know how to stop. All I knew was that I needed drugs to survive. Eventually my family got me into my first of many rehabs. I got a little clean time up but had not fully surrendered, nor did I want to accept the fact that not only could I not use drugs again but I could not drink alcohol, which didn’t seem fare to me as I was only 24 and supposed to be living my best life.

I relapsed again shortly after and this time things were a little worse. I began committing crime to support my habit and was kicked out of home and had nowhere to live. I was living in my car floating from house to house sleeping with different drug dealers who would take me in for a few days, support my habit then get sick of me and kick me out. I was so desperate for help and knew if I didn’t get clean again I would either end up in jail or dead.

I moved interstate to complete my next rehab and have a fresh slate with no temptations around me. Things were looking positive, I completed rehab and began building a life I always imagined.

I had friends in sobriety, was working, and even began a relationship with somebody else in sobriety who I met through 12 step fellowship. We moved in together and had plans for our future to get married, start a family and eventually moving back to Melbourne to build a home and be near my family.

After drinking occasionally for a few months, one day whilst having Friday night drinks at the pub, I decided to use. I picked up some ice and came home extremely intoxicated and high and try to lie about it to my partner. He found my stash in my bag and decided to use too. This was the start of my next relapse which was even worse than before. I began injecting ice several times a day, taking large amounts of GHB and Xanax and would constantly overdose and blackout. I was doing fraud daily to support mine and my partners habits after chewing threw our savings in a matter of weeks.

We decided to both go back to rehab and booked ourselves in to 2 separate rehabs. He graduated after 30 days and went back to work whilst I stayed in long term as I knew a short fix would not be enough. Whilst in this rehab my partner picked up heroin and died in our home whilst I was In rehab. The day after this happened I left rehab, went back to our home, where he died and began using worse than I ever had before, hoping to eventually die and join him. I eventually lost our home, had all of our things stolen, including his clothes, jewellery and all of our sentimental things and I began living out of a suitcase, traveling around Sydney, booking hotels with stolen credit cards, permanently in psychosis, convinced that police were coming to arrest me any second. I would hear people who weren’t even there talking about me through walls and was constantly in fear. My family thought I was dead as I would go weeks without being in touch with anyone. I would rob drug dealers just to get my fix, and overdose in randoms houses leaving me vulnerable and at risk of being sexually assaulted, which I was on numerous occasions.

I knew I was going to die or go to jail for a very long time and although that was my reality, somewhere inside of me I knew that I was worth more than that. I didn’t want to die with a needle sticking out my arm, left for days with nobody finding me. I am somebody's daughter, somebodies friend and somebodies sister. I called my family and asked them if I could come home and seek treatment for a long period of time. In December of last year I entered in a long term residential rehab which I spent 6 months at. Today I am almost 9 months clean and sober and grateful that I have been given another chance to change my life. I am working part-time and studying to hopefully one day be able to support people facing similar life challenges.

What was the most challenging part about your journey? And what helped you get through?

The most challenging part of my journey was starting my life from scratch again so many times. I got through it with support of family and friends in recovery and hearing other peoples stories of hope gave me hope that it can be done.

What support systems helped you in your recovery?

Family support- I was lucky enough that my family have been there to support me as long as I have stayed clean.

12 step fellowship has been a safe place for me to go to everyday to listen and share stories and struggles and build healthy connections with other people wanting sobriety

What advice would you give to someone who is starting their recovery journey?

Just hold on. And don’t second guess the fact that you are an addict. Nobody winds up on the road to recovery by accident and if your starting your recovery journey there would be multiple reasons why. Don’t second guess it and don’t go out and test your theory as some people don’t get a second chance! Be grateful you have realised you are an addict and be willing to do whatever it takes to change!

Before and After

If you would like to share your story please email us at changetosurrender@gmail.com.