What is your story? Tell us about your story from the beginning to where you are now?
My name is Simon. I was born in 1981 in a small village in the country about 30 minutes from the city of Quebec in Canada. I am the youngest of three child. I had a great childhood. Played sports, had a lots of friends, everything was good at home. My dad worked hard as a Pharmacist and my mother stayed home. So I grew up in an above average lifestyle and could benefit from a stable household.
I was always afraid of drugs, and completely refused to smoke anything. As a teenager, most of my friends were experiencing everything (from alchohol to cocaine). I, at the time turned to hardcore music and the straight edge movement (abstaining from any intoxicants). However, when I arrived at college at 17 (we call it CEGEP her in Quebec), I tried alcohol and was rapidly hooked. It gave me power, I was less timid and felt socially included. I was always a good student, did not require a lot of effort to succeed. It gave me more time to drink.
In January 1999, the night of the Superbowl, I learned that my brother committed suicide. It was a shock, I immediately felt in a second state. Alcohol, from that moment on, became an ally in my life. My drinking was somehow controlled at the time, it did not affect all of the areas of my life. I was able to graduate and was accepted at University. I drank a lot but still managed to go to class and go to the gym. But once again, in May 2003, my oldest brother, 29, suddenly died in his home. That was the second shocking death I had to live in 4 years. I was at my parents when they learned the news and had to witness their desperation. My mother literally wanted to die.
After that event, my drinking habits got harder but, as if I was made to drink, I was able to manage everything in my life, from graduating with my degree in Criminology to living a “normal” life. Shortly after graduating, I was arrested for a DUI, jeopardizing my future career. That is about the only time in my adulthood that I had to reduce my drinking, shaken by what happened. I was lucky enough a year and a half later to be found non-guilty and avoid a criminal file. That small period of reduced drinking was beneficial as I was able to find a job in my field (that I still hold today) and my then girlfriend gave birth to my first child.
However, the arrival of my girl contributed to the rise of my stress and my anxiety and, of course, I turned back to alcohol to “medicate” myself. That started the downfall. Even though I had better periods, the drinking was always part of my days. I work as a parole officer in a maximum security penitentiary. I deal with all sorts of negative behaviours and events everyday. With time and counselling, I was able to identify certain events that led me to become addicted. Without giving any details from 2012 to 2015, on my caseload (inmates that I manage) I had 5 suicide attempts (one directly linked to me), 1 murder and countless overdoses. Apparently that broke my defence mechanism and let to the worst years of my life. Inevitably, in November 2015 I was diagnosed with a depression and severe anxiety. That led to a work leave which contributed to once again the rise of my drinking. I had time everyday to drink without consequences. In January 2016, my boy was born. I have almost no memories from it. I don’t remember much of the his first year. I was drunk all the time. And it saddened me.
The next years weren’t better. Went into complete destruction mode. I was unfaithful, got into fights in the streets, I was aggressive, impatient, irritable. Almost lost my job. I was literally driving my life in the drain. Went to rehab for the first time, mostly to avoid losing my girlfriend. Stayed sober about 2 months. Relapsed, my drinking became worse. That led to my girlfriend from the past 14 years to leave me in 2018. That prompted my participation to my second rehab. Stayed sober for 100 days then relapsed. Once again, my drinking worsen. Jumped from girls to girls, unprotected sex, dangerous driving, and complete disarray. Child services were called upon me (I deserved it) and I was under the scope for a year.
In November 2018, after numerous suicidal thoughts I was admitted in psychiatry after going at the ER. They released me 2 days later stating my only problem was alcohol. I lost my driving license. That did not stop me to keep my drinking on. Every week I had my kids, I was totally absent. I don’t even understand how their mother even had faith in me as being a responsible parent. My parents were watching me go down and although they tried so much to help me I pushed them back. In August 2019, I had to be hospitalize due to complicated withdrawal symptoms. Even then, as I knew that my health was in danger, I drank more and more. In November 2019, I started throwing up blood every morning. I drank 80oz or Rhum everyday and was mixing with anxiolytic frequently.
On January 6th, 2020, I had another episode of solid suicidal thoughts. I was fed up, was not seeing any lights in my future. A friend took the liberty to call my EAP on my behalf and they rapidly contacted me. They convinced me to call, once again at La Vigile, a rehab centre specialized in people wearing uniforms or involved in the public safety. They accepted to admit me and made me promise that I would not harm myself. On January 16th, 2020, for the second time I was admitted to their facility. Of course, I had drink the night before, the famous “one last time”. Nevertheless, I would have thought at the time, this time it would be my last time for real.
That 30 days rehab saved my life. I was committed and involved. I understood so much about myself and the wounds that I have. I was diagnosed with PTSD and it explained a lot for me. I got out on February 14th, 2020 and never looked back since then. Even with how strange the world has become with the Covid19 Pandemic I was able to stay strong and keep moving forward. Today I am almost 8 months sober and for the first time in my life I can be sure that I will never go back.
What was the most challenging part about your journey? And what helped you get through?
I would say that it was the multiple failures. The numerous relapses, the 6th previous times I tried to come back to work, the promises I was not able to fulfill and the overall shame I felt about my actions. Seeing with time, how I was a bad human being, a distant and absent father and a lousy son. Asking for help for a third time, especially at the same facility was challenging. I was afraid of how they would perceived me. However, how they welcomed me and how they had my recovering at heart was overwhelming.
Throughout the years, I had friends that never let me down, even when I broke promises, lied and was manipulative. My parents helped me keep a little light inside me, that I could one day be able to vanquish my demons. Without them I don’t know if I would have been able to get through.
What support systems helped you in your recovery?
My family doctor who immediately took my addiction problem seriously and helped me get the help I needed. La Vigile and their team who helped me throughout my rehab and are still present in my life at this time. The people I met in therapy whom I am still in contact with. My psychologist who is behind me since day one. My parents and my kid’s mother who never lost faith in me. My friends, the ones who continuously stood by my side. And mostly, to see my kids giving back so much and seeing their smile when they see how well I am today, this is the best support I can have.
What advice would you give to someone who is starting their recovery journey?
Ask for help. Surround yourself with positive people and positiveness. Be vulnerable, don’t be afraid to show your emotions and to dig deep inside you, even if it is scary at times, to uncover what leads you to addiction and work slowly, one day at a time, with professionals and by yourself on what you have discovered. Follow on social media/internet people that lived with addictions and ask them questions, learn from their journey. And build yourself a set of tools that will help you face life’s struggles with no fear.
Before and After
If you would like to share your story please email us at changetosurrender@gmail.com.
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