Surrender

I was nineteen the first time I stepped into a 12 step meeting, I still remember it like it was yesterday as I scuffled in trying my very best to not be seen I was so frightened. Shaking with anxiety, my soul empty and my heart full of all the pain and struggles I had carried for years.

Seeking mercy, a little bird had told me this was the place I could find it. At this point of my addiction I was doing anything I could in order to use and drink or feel some sense of numbness, even if it involved me selling my mind, body and soul.

I thought I had fallen as hard as I could and I needed redemption. I was willing to try anything that could save me and for six months I lived most of the time free from the obsession and compulsion to use and drink daily. Until the day my disease whispered and I surrendered to the one thing I swore I wouldn’t.

Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful and sneaky as fuck!

For over a decade I swung in and out of programs like a pendulum trying my best to get back to that form of sanity and freedom that I had previously had a glimmer off.

Fourteen id’s “Zowie addict, I am one day clean today” and each time I would sink into my chair riddled with shame. I couldn’t understand how I couldn’t get the life and peace that I heard others share about. I thought it was me maybe I am different? Maybe I am too damaged?

Yet I had evidence I could, I had periods of substantial time up but unfortunately when the disease whispered and I could no longer fight I would simply submit.

After years of this carousel I guess I gave up and although I was still in connection to others who were living a life of complete abstinence, I stopped attending twelve step meetings.

I will tell you the most painful torture I have ever experienced is using and drinking on knowledge. What my relapses had taught me was whilst I believed I had the power over my addictions in fact my addictions were robbing me of everything I loved, I never had the power and I never would.

My moment of surrender came In the hills of Nimbin of all places, there I was perched over my steering wheel with tears soaking my lap about to drive my car into a tree and end it all. I was beyond rock bottom I was desperate for relief and suicide seemed like the only option I had left.

Now in moments like these I would usually pray to god and beg for help even though I didn’t believe in god. I always followed up with “if you, I will” but on this particular day I didn’t even have the energy to pretend anymore and all I had left was one last scream in which I gripped my steering wheel and as I shook it as hard as I possibly could. I unleashed the loudest scream I have ever unleashed “Enough is Enough” I roared.

In this moment it was as though I had released twenty-nine years of pain. For as long as I could remember my chest was heavy like I was drowning and finally I could breath, everything was pops of colours after years of black and white and without even realising I had surrendered.

I don’t believe in god but after this day I believed there was something greater because if it hadn’t of intervened I wouldn’t be alive.

The following day I woke up and this was day one again except this time was different because I stayed clean and sober till this day.

Now this is only my experience, other’s moments of surrender can vary. After spending a substantial amount of time doing the work that I do and spending hours talking in rehabilitation centres, detox clinics and discussing with other recovery addicts I have learnt that recovery is not possible without surrender and believing you have the power will send you insane or better yet lead to relapse.

FAITH whatever you believe in is an essential part of recovery because FAITH is what gives us hope.

Think about it this way for a minute, you surrendered to drugs, booze or whatever your addiction was multiple times a day. You always had/have faith that this drink, that drug would make you feel better. You have been surrendering the whole time, you have had faith in something the whole time you just have to surrender and have faith in something/someone who will love you back because the drugs and alcohol won’t.

Zowie x